Letting Go of Attachment to People—the Buddhist Way.

“If you realize that all things change, there is nothing you will try to hold on to.” ~ Lao Tzu

According to Buddhism, all our struggles stem from attachment.

I chuckled the first time I heard this. How is it possible that all my problems are because of attachment? As I scrutinized my life, I realized it was true. My arguments with others emanated from attachment to my opinions. My anger was because of attachment to particular results that didn’t manifest the way I expected. The sadness I experienced when I lost objects was also a result of attachment. And most importantly, agonizing over the loss of people in my life was because of attachment.
Now, we might think that attachment is limited to material things, but this isn’t true—it’s also extended to people. And by far, this is the most dangerous form of attachment. It’s hazardous because human beings are quite unpredictable, and they’re susceptible to change more than anything else in life. The reason is because we are conditioned by nature, and conditions change pretty often.
The most important thing to understand is that attachment doesn’t happen overnight. It starts to take place after spending a good amount of time with someone (it could be a family member, a coworker, a friend, or a lover). We don’t really get attached to the person, but to the experience we have with them. We get attached to the range of emotions that this particular person stirs up in us—good or bad.
Consequently, our mind identifies an emotion as either pleasurable or pleasant, and we crave it more often. Then, when attachment develops, we fear losing the person. In other words, we fear losing the emotions that they make us feel. We especially get attached to people who make us happy, because we are prone to believe that we need an outside factor to complete our sense of happiness.
The palpable solution is to break our attachment. The concept of detachment terrifies us at times, but the truth is that it’s not as frightening as it sounds. When we detach from something (or someone), we don’t entirely let go. It’s just that we start relating to things and people differently—in a much healthier way.
Detachment is essential because, let’s be honest, no one is happy being dependent on anyone or anything. Even if we claim that we’re happy with our attachment, there will come a time when circumstances will prove us wrong. Dependence on others feels good only when the causes and conditions are in our favor. But when conditions change (as when people leave or stop being available) then we realize that attachment to others causes us misery.
When we detach from someone, we stop expecting so much from them. Also, our happiness becomes authentic. Instead of looking outside ourselves to complete our happiness, we understand that we are already complete and can achieve full happiness on our own. Any happiness coming from the outside is merely an addition to our already existent happiness—but it’s not dependent on the absence or presence of the object or person.
Let’s not forget that that the person to whom we are attached becomes happier as well, because they’re no longer pressured to fit into the image we have of them, or what we expect of them. They start giving as much as they can, not what we expect them to give. In this way, we can experience true love for people, which is quite different than the attachment kind of love.
In order to let go of attachment to others, Buddhists advise us to start looking within, so we can love ourselves. The fact is, we always seek in others what is missing within ourselves. It doesn’t mean, for instance, that if we start loving ourselves, we stop wanting others to love us.
On the contrary, we still want to be loved, but we also appreciate the nature of love that’s being given to us. We accept whatever we are receiving, instead of trying to manipulate it. Also, we take into account that this love we are receiving now might not last for as long as we might hope. But instead of fighting to keep it, we understand its ephemeral nature and simply enjoy its current presence.
Not understanding impermanence is another major problem that’s standing in the way of our attachment. According to Buddhism, if we truly contemplate the impermanence of things, we’d be aware enough to not be attached to anything in life—object or person.
If I know that this table is going to break tomorrow, I wouldn’t still cling to it. I’d enjoy whatever time I have left with it, instead of wasting energy trying to keep it. Understanding the impermanence of all phenomena in life helps us to stop fighting transience.
Another way to detach from others is to understand that attachment comes from the mind. As Eckhart Tolle says, “Know that you are not your mind.”  We are so much bigger and deeper.
Author: Elyane Youssef
Image: Deviant Art

Editor: Yoli Ramazzina


7 Ways that Women Who Were Unloved as Children Struggle in Their Adult Lives

The way in which we are nurtured and raised as a child can have a significant impact on how we handle life as an adult. Our childhood experiences help to shape our understanding of the world, and how we are expected to act and react to it. It is the job of our parents to teach us, guide us and set a positive example.
Authors and experts on childhood development Judith R. Schore and Alan N. Schore wrote, “Attachment experiences shape the early organization of the right brain, the neurobiological core of the human unconsciousness.” It is this part of our brain that is responsible for processing through, as well as storing memories that work both to shape how we view emotional events as well as the feelings that they evoke.
For a child whose upbringing was one of love, trust, and reliability, these memories help to teach them the value of caring for those around them. They foster feelings of loyalty, protection, and compassion, shaping us into adults that exhibit a high level of both mental and emotional health. Taking the lessons that they learned throughout childhood and the example that it set, they allow it to shape the way that they view the world around them.
On the other hand, children who are raised without this example, feeling unloved, criticized or judged, create a different understanding of their family, and as such a different grasp of the ways of the world.  Essentially, they see the world through a different, altered lens. In their book ‘A General Theory of Love,’ Thomas Lewis and his co-authors explain this impact, saying “The mental machinery does not evaluate; it cannot detect whether the larger world runs in accordance with the scheme it has drawn from the emotional microcosm of a family.”

This experience of growing up feeling unloved causes these individuals to struggle in these 7 ways:

1. They accept surface level affection in place of true love.

A child has a deep seeded desire to be loved and appreciated. They look to their parents for feelings of caring, compassion, and affection. If a child grows up missing this vital piece of the puzzle they will find themselves as adults attempting to fill the void in their life. Rather than understanding the value of real love in their lives, they settle for surface level affection entering into toxic relationships with no regard for what else might actually be available to them.
2. They constantly feel guilty in life.
Often in these toxic homes, parents make comments to their children that insinuate that they should be grateful to have a roof over their head and food on their plate. They grow up feeling like they are a burden on their parents, and develop feelings of guilt anytime they think about their needs in life. This translates into their adult life. For example, they may feel guilty that their partner does something nice for them because they believe that they don’t deserve it.
3. They view the world around them as inherently unsafe.
As a child, your feelings of safety and security come from your parents creating that environment in the family home. Doing so allows children to realize that there are people and situations that they can trust, and they begin to develop the ability to differentiate between those that are and those that aren’t ‘safe.’ Without this feeling of safety, a child grows into an adult who believes that everything is unsafe and no one is worthy of their trust.
4. They have difficulty understanding boundaries.
When a child is denied the love and affection that they crave they will often look for it elsewhere as they grow up and are in contact with other adults in life. They begin to overcompensate as adults, believing that an abundance of love, attention, and affection is the key to demonstrating the love that they were lacking as a child. While it is well-intentioned, they struggle to understand that even their partner will need space from time to time.
5. They constantly question whether the people in their life really love them. 
Growing up in a home that lacks love and compassion, these individuals grow up accepting that a toxic, distant relationship like the one that they have with their parents is normal. When they find themselves in a relationship as an adult that breaks that pattern, they can’t help but question whether it is actually real, or if they are just waiting for the other shoe to drop.
6. They struggle to ‘let anyone in.’
Children learn the foundation of relationship development through watching the adults in their life. They witness how their parents react with one another, as well as how they interact with others outside of the family unit as early as infants. Eventually, as they grow older, they start to mirror this activity learning first hand. When a child is missing this example of a positive relationship and doesn’t experience the feeling of connection first hand, they grow up distancing themselves from everyone in their life.
7. They often feel excluded in social settings due to their low self-esteem.
When children grow up constantly being scrutinized, judged and criticized they begin to learn that nothing that they do will ever be ‘good enough.’ This carries over into their adult lives, leaving them feeling as though everyone is judging them at all times. They often fail to take part in group settings for fear of being rejected, however, in doing so they feel excluded from the activities the group is taking part in. There may not even be any basis for these feelings, the group may not have said anything negative or have any negative views, but the feelings are so deeply rooted that they are unable to see past them.


Do You Love, or Do You Fear?

Do You Love, or Do You Fear?
LOVE is within us, we were all born with this emotion, it was given to us, that’s all there was to be given, but as time went by we started creating a new world for ourselves, a different world, a world which is nothing more than an illusion, an illusion to keep our ego alive.
There are only two emotions in the world, only two emotions we can express, and those two emotions are FEAR and LOVE. All the other emotions with whom we are all so familiar, are nothing more than subcategories of these two. Where there is LOVE, we may have peace, joy, content, serenity, forgiveness while on the other hand, where we have hate we will have anxiety, sadness, depression, fatigue, judgment, guilt and so on. You see, where there is LOVE, fear can not survive, and where there is fear, LOVE can not survive. They can’t leave together, for only one is real, while the other is just an illusion.
Whenever we find ourselves in a situation where we might be feeling sad, depressed, angry, judgmental etc. , we need to realize that we are in fact feeling fear, a fear of something and we also have to keep in mind that fear was created by us, fear is not real, we made it up, while on the other hand, LOVE is real, LOVE is our natural state of being, that’s who we are, that’s what created us, and that’s what’s real. So why choose FEAR when you can choose LOVE? Why do it?
You see, it is all up to us. It’s a choice we make. We either choose LOVE or fear, happy or unhappy, and it’s all up to us. I know many of you will go:
“What? This is insane! What do you mean it’s up to me? How can I feel LOVE when my boss is yelling at me all the time?
 How can I feel LOVE when I go home after 12 hours of work, and I see the house is a mess and my husband asking me what’s for dinner?”
Well, it’s all in how we choose to look at the situation, whether we choose to respond or react that makes the difference. It’s our attitude toward everything that happens to us, and around us. that will take us to that state.
I believe that it all starts falling into places the moment we decide to take responsibility for how we feel and what we think, because when you no longer blame others for your misery, that’s when you start seeing things from a different perspective, that’s the moment you begin to notice the shift that is taking place in your life.
When you start saying yes to the universe, yes to LOVE, fear will no longer have its place in your life, for that which is loved can not be feared, and that which is feared can not be loved. These two can’t coexist, and when one is present, the other is absent. Never forget this, for it will help you on so much on your journey to self-discovery.
Life is so simple but we choose to complicate it, we choose to create all kind of problems for ourselves, and we get so attached to them. We can accept fear, loss, pain, doubt so easily, because we have created them, we have created this world of insanity and it’s hard for us to let it go.
We say we want to, but do we really mean it? We get so attached to them and if we give them up for a while, and things get better for us, we feel peaceful, we feel LOVE…  but, you see, because this state of being is so unfamiliar to us, conscious or not, we start creating all kind of problems so we can feel “normal” again. This is how things function in the real world right? In the real world life is harsh, in the real world there is poverty, there is pain and there is fear. How can we live in a world that does not exist, how can we dare to be happy when there are so many problems waiting for us out there? This is exactly what we do. Most of us, whether we realize it or not, whether we want to admit it or not, do just that.
Being neurotic, feeling bitter and frustrated is something normal for many of us, this is how life is supposed to be, this is how we see normality. When we see people walking on the street with a serene and cheerful face, people that walk along us smiling, we may think that they are crazy, we think that there might be something wrong with them, but what if there isn’t anything wrong with them, what if there is something wrong with us?
“A question that sometimes drives me hazy: am I or are the others crazy?” ~ Einstein
Happiness is a choice, peace of mind is a choice, and that choice is LOVE. After years and years of polluted training, after years of being told that life is a battlefield, and you have to fight against the enemies in order to stay alive, wanting to shift your focus from all those situations and all those people that were “making you unhappy”,  to finding your true self, which is pure LOVE, it’s not going to be an easy job, but believe me, it’s not going to be harder than what you were doing until now. Give up all your past beliefs and all your past limitations and look within, that’s where you will find your true nature, that’s where you will find your real self. That’s where you will find real LOVE. Look for what you really are, not for what you think you are.
Give up on all that is toxic in your life,  hold on onto all that is beneficial and you will be happy.
~love, Luminita💫


How the trauma of life is passed down in SPERM, affecting the mental health of future generations

When a man is traumatised changes occur in his sperm which are passed on to his children
The children of people who have experienced extremely traumatic events are more likely to develop mental health problems.
And new research shows this is because experiencing trauma leads to changes in the sperm.
These changes can cause a man’s children to develop bipolar disorder and are so strong they can even influence the man’s grandchildren.
Psychologists have long known that traumatic experiences can induce behavioural disorders that are passed down from one generation to the next.
However, they are only just beginning to understand how this happens.
Researchers at the University of Zurich and ETH Zurich now think they have come one step closer to understanding how the effects of traumas can be passed down the generations.
The researchers found that short RNA molecules – molecules that perform a wide range of vital roles in the body - are made from DNA by enzymes that read specific sections of the DNA and use them as template to produce corresponding RNAs. 
Other enzymes then trim these RNAs into mature forms. 
Cells naturally contain a large number of different short RNA molecules called microRNAs. 
They have regulatory functions, such as controlling how many copies of a particular protein are made.
The researchers studied the number and kind of microRNAs expressed by adult mice exposed to traumatic conditions in early life and compared them with non-traumatised mice.
They discovered that traumatic stress alters the amount of several microRNAs in the blood, brain and sperm – while some microRNAs were produced in excess, others were lower than in the corresponding tissues or cells of control animals. 
These alterations resulted in misregulation of cellular processes normally controlled by these microRNAs.
After traumatic experiences, the mice behaved markedly differently - they partly lost their natural aversion to open spaces and bright light and showed symptoms of depression.
Men who have experienced traumatic events are more likely to have children with mental health problems
Men who have experienced traumatic events are more likely to have children with mental health problems
These behavioural symptoms were also transferred to the next generation via sperm, even though the offspring were not exposed to any traumatic stress themselves.
The metabolisms of the offspring of stressed mice were also impaired - their insulin and blood sugar levels were lower than in the offspring of non-traumatised parents. 
‘We were able to demonstrate for the first time that traumatic experiences affect metabolism in the long-term and that these changes are hereditary,’ said Professor Isabelle Mansuy. 
‘With the imbalance in microRNAs in sperm, we have discovered a key factor through which trauma can be passed on.’
However, certain questions remain open, such as how the dysregulation in short RNAs comes about. 
Professor Mansuy said: ‘Most likely, it is part of a chain of events that begins with the body producing too many stress hormones.’
Importantly, acquired traits other than those induced by trauma could also be inherited through similar mechanisms, the researcher suspects. 

Read more: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/health/article-2611317/How-trauma-life-passed-SPERM-affecting-mental-health-future-generations.html#ixzz4sS2IHIkd
Follow us: @MailOnline on Twitter | DailyMail on Facebook


What Your Aches and Pains Might Mean

What Your Aches and Pains Might Mean

Emotional stress can cause physical complaints as well as emotional blockages.
Consider that your physical pain is an indicator that there is emotional work to be done, and unresolved trauma in the nervous system. Louise Hay has written a great book on this subject.
Check out this emotional pain chart which shows what the various pains you experience might mean.


6 Signs You Were Emotionally Neglected As A Child

Scars from your childhood have a way of staying with you. If someone were to ask you if you were emotionally neglected as a child, your immediate response might be “no.” But if you dig a little deeper, you’ll understand that your behavior as an adult has a lot to do with your experiences as a child. As painful as it may be to look back, childhood emotional neglect could be the reason behind your actions today.

Here are six signs you were emotionally neglected as a child:

1. You Feel Numb

Feeling numb is something that can come and go. It isn’t a physical sensation, it’s an emotional sensation. Every once in a while, you feel numb to everything that’s going on around you. You realize that you should feel some emotion, but nothing really seems to matter. This type of emotional response is a sign that you were emotionally neglected as a child. You learned at a young age to stifle your emotions so you don’t get hurt.

2. You Refuse Help From Others

If you were emotionally neglected as a child, you often had no help when you needed it the most. You were constantly on your own. This feeling can follow you into adulthood. You learned never to be dependent on anyone else, so even if things are difficult for you, you refuse to reach out and ask for help from others.

3. You Have Low Self-Esteem

Low self-esteem can be tied to many things, including being emotionally neglected as a child. When you were little, you may have felt like you weren’t worth your parents’ time or love, because they never paid much attention to you. While untrue, this feeling can be hard to shake. It can translate into low self-esteem and low self-worth throughout your adult life.

4. You Feel Like Something Is Missing

If you were emotionally neglected as a child, you may always have the feeling that something is missing. There’s a hole inside that you leave open for a certain person’s love that you crave. Deep down, you believe that filling this space will finally bring you joy.

5. You’re A Perfectionist

When a child is neglected, they might try almost anything to get their loved one’s attention. If you’ve been seeking that attention your whole life, you might end up being a perfectionist. You try to be perfect in everything you do, in order to finally get noticed and appreciated.

6. You’re Sensitive To Rejection

Are you sensitive to rejection? Being afraid of rejection in your adult life is a sign of rejection in the past. Being emotionally neglected can create a fear inside you that stays with you. Even constructive criticism hurts you, because you feel like you’re being attacked and told that you aren’t good enough.


The shocking truth about your health | Lissa Rankin | TEDxFiDiWomen

Lissa Rankin, MD is an OB/GYN physician, author, keynote speaker, consultant to health care visionaries, professional artist, and founder of the women's health and wellness community OwningPink.com. Discouraged by the broken, patriarchal health care system, she left her medical practice in 2007 only to realize that you can quit your job, but you can't quit your calling. This epiphany launched her on a journey of discovery that led her to become a leader in the field of mind/body medicine, which she blogs about at OwningPink.com and is writing about in her third book Mind Over Medicine: Scientific Proof You Can Heal Yourself (Hay House, 2013).

She teaches both patients and health care professionals how to make the body ripe for miracles by healing the mind and being healthy in all aspects of life, not just by promoting healthy behaviors like good nutrition, exercise, and adequate sleep, but by encouraging health and authenticity in relationships, work, creative expression, spirituality, sexuality, finances, and living environment. She is leading a revolution to feminize how health care is received and delivered by encouraging collaboration, fostering self-healing, reconnecting health care and spirituality, empowering patients to tap into the mind's power to heal the body, and encouraging women not to settle for being merely well, but to strive for living vital, joyful, authentic lives full of "mojo."

When not spreading the word, she chills out, paints, does yoga, and hikes in Marin County, CA with her husband and daughter.